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[August 14th, 2007] |
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Snow Patrol |
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Ok, so me wanting to go back to Tallahassee really badly earlier was an understatement.
I will do ANYTHING to go back. Right. This. Second.
RIGHT. NOW.
I get a call. I make plans. Yay plans.
Oh my God. The world is ENDING. Why? Because I can't find my retainer. DAMN! I forgot that this one thing would cause the world to end. My bad.
Hmm let's see. I check my bags. You know, the ones that were REARRANGED, and wow, who would have thought? I can't find anything. Go figure.
Yes, I have so much shit to go through that of course it couldn't have taken only 5 minutes to go through. Shame on me. Yet another mistake on my part. Yay!
Of course I didn't leave half of the things that I was supposed to bring back to Coral Springs in Tallahassee, that would be foolish. And I couldn't have realized this within the 5 minutes of looking for my retainer and not finding it because, of course, I have so much SHIT that it would have taken me longer.
Now why couldn't I find my retainer. Let's think about this long and hard. It's very difficult to figure out this reason. Of course I MUST have it here. Buried within all the shit I have. And of course I don't give a damn, I only want to hang out with my friends, right?
Of course my retainer couldn't possibly be in Tallahassee. How could it be? All the things I needed to bring back to Coral Springs I did, duh.
You know I've always wanted to go back to being the age of 12. 7th grade was SO MUCH FUN! I got to go out ALL THE TIME! And- oh wait. No I didn't I had a social life? Um, no.
Wow, tonight I get to go out with my-no. Wait. No? Yep, no friends tonight! Wow...yay 7th grade!
College...? Oh ya. I'm in fucking COLLEGE.
Wait...then why am I being treated...
So. I can't find my retainer, because in case you haven't been able to distinguish between my sarcasm, I left it in Tallahassee along with a shit load of other stuff I was supposed to bring back. Now what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Snap my fingers and somehow it will appear in my hands?
Yes. I did pack it. I said I did.
I'm sorry my bleach trays are IDENTICAL to my retainer...along with the damn case. Except of course they're rubber-ish. My bad yet again. Damn Kaitlin, you must be the most irresponsible person ever!
Yes. I know. I do it on purpose, remember? It's why I'm here. To put you through hell. I love it. I live for it. It's all I'm good at.
I'm supposed to make all the mistakes and make you pay for it. I'm not ever supposed to learn from them. Ever. What would be the point of my existence then?
What Happens Within My Span of Life
I am born.
I cry. A lot.
I whine.
I make excuses.
I make mistakes.
I don't do anything good.
I get into trouble.
I spend your money.
I spend my money.
I give you MY money to HELP you out.
No I don't, you take it and tell me you borrowed it after you spent it.
I make more mistakes.
I make even more mistakes.
I cry some more.
I disappoint you.
I make you angry.
I make excuses again.
I die.
Then, because you know me. I'm quite and reserved. I like to bottle up my feelings. I can never get my point across. Ever. I stutter and I don't make sense. Ever.
Let's think of a dam. I know I've used this illustration before. Well. Think of the dam as being me. Strong and able to hold beck the water. The water is my feelings. Well my dam is slowly crumbling. It's been a good defense system for the past 6 years. Holes shape and water seeps through, but not enough to ruin the dam. I patch up the dam and carry on as thought it's brand new. Patches can only hold for so long and when they're made again they become even bigger, as if telling me that patching them up in the first place was a bad idea. Big holes. Lots of water. In a very short amount of time. But, the dam is still up, I just know not to patch the holes again.
It has made me realized that I am SO tired of getting STEPPED on. STEPPED ON.
Maybe, MAYBE, if she could TRY to be a little more understanding of the DAMN situation. TRY, you don't HAVE to understand. But make an effort. Jeez. Maybe give me a bit more credit. I think I deserve it.
I. Am. Not. A. Child.
That doesn't mean I know everything. Duh. But it doesn't mean I don't know anything either.
I find it quite sad that I have a better relationship with my friends then with my family. Not just my mom. My FAMILY.
No offense to my friends I'm glad I have this sort of relationship with all of you.
It's all I have.
You're all I have.
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| GRR! |
[March 27th, 2007] |
I HATE people who get mad at you over something they REALLY don't even know about.
Like something that you have to deal with thats none of their business, but they think they know exactly what happened but they really don't and they are angry at you for it.
People suck.
And it's really stupid.
And it really pisses me off.
Because I had to deal with my situation, which sucked...like WHOA sucked, and my decision got people angry at me for whatever stupid reason that doesn't make sense.
Thanks People.
You suck too.
Have a great life.
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[March 25th, 2007] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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I'm so fed up with this shit.
It's not fare.
I can't do it anymore.
Session Start (froggyfan51789:Scott): Sun Mar 25 16:36:43 2007
[16:36:44] Scott: kkattt
[16:36:50] froggyfan51789: scott
[16:37:00] Scott: hows it going?
[16:37:11] froggyfan51789: good
[16:37:14] froggyfan51789: how are u
[16:37:28] Scott: im alright
[16:37:32] froggyfan51789: cool
[16:37:36] Scott: sure
[16:37:45] Scott: wutcha been up to?
[16:37:47] froggyfan51789: nm
[16:37:48] froggyfan51789: hw
[16:38:00] Scott: exciting
[16:38:14] froggyfan51789: very
[16:38:39] Scott: can ya do anything or ya stuck home?
[16:39:00] froggyfan51789: im not leaving my house today
[16:39:36] Scott: k
[16:40:13] Scott: another time then
[16:40:45] froggyfan51789: ok
[16:41:55] Scott: if u even want to hang
[16:42:32] froggyfan51789: hrm?
[16:43:00] Scott: if u even want to hang with me
[16:43:14] froggyfan51789: why wouldnt i
[16:44:15] Scott: i dunno, ive been trying to get together and talk with cha, it just seems very difficult
[16:44:21] Scott: but thats just me
[16:44:27] froggyfan51789: indeed
[16:44:29] froggyfan51789: it is
[16:44:43] froggyfan51789: I just dont feel like going out of my house today
[16:44:54] Scott: its ok... we have those days sometimes
[16:44:57] froggyfan51789: i dont feel like putting any makeup on...and changing
[16:45:32] Scott: k, eventhough u dont need makeup anyways
[16:45:46] froggyfan51789: sure I do
[16:46:19] Scott: i found u naturally beautiful when u didnt have any one, but again, thats just me
[16:47:04] Scott: on*
[16:47:18] froggyfan51789: ok
[16:48:35] Scott: im srry kat.. i just rly miss u
[16:48:47] froggyfan51789: why are you saying sorry
[16:49:08] Scott: for saying it
[16:49:26] Scott: because we're supposed to just be "friends"
[16:49:50] froggyfan51789: indeed we are
[16:50:49] Scott: ..indeed
[16:52:42] Scott: but wutever we're supposed to be doesnt change what i want us to be
[16:53:34] froggyfan51789: I'm aware
[16:54:12] Scott: -sigh- yeah
[16:54:18] froggyfan51789: yep
[16:55:45] Scott: kat do you understand how im feeling?
[16:55:51] froggyfan51789: yep
[16:56:02] Scott: can i might get something a little more than yep?
[16:56:10] froggyfan51789: well
[16:56:15] froggyfan51789: what do you want me to say?
[16:56:38] Scott: i guess there is nothing u can say
[16:56:44] froggyfan51789: exactly
[16:57:58] froggyfan51789: So how many more times are we going to go over this?
[16:58:36] Scott: untill i stop loving you
[16:58:57] froggyfan51789: let me repeat my question
[16:59:03] froggyfan51789: how many more times are we going to go over this?
[16:59:19] Scott: what do you want me to say?
[17:00:19] froggyfan51789: I dont want you to say anything, I want us to stop having these pointless and repetitive conversations that go nowhere
[17:00:48] Scott: i just dont understand
[17:00:58] Scott: i rly dont
[17:01:00] froggyfan51789: what dont you understand
[17:01:04] Scott: everything
[17:01:09] Scott: why people change?
[17:01:10] froggyfan51789: vague
[17:01:13] Scott: why do things have to change?
[17:01:24] Scott: -sigh-
[17:01:47] froggyfan51789: because
[17:01:49] froggyfan51789: it happens
[17:02:00] froggyfan51789: your not supposed to always understand
[17:02:08] froggyfan51789: your supposed to be able to accept
[17:02:10] froggyfan51789: and then move on
[17:02:16] froggyfan51789: I've had to do it too
[17:03:58] Scott: bye
[17:04:06] froggyfan51789: scott
[17:04:16] Scott: there is nothing else i can say
[17:04:22] froggyfan51789: =(
[17:04:36] froggyfan51789: We dont have to talk about this then
[17:06:32] froggyfan51789: Scott
[17:07:05] froggyfan51789: Scott
[17:07:08] froggyfan51789: James
[17:07:23] Scott: im here
[17:07:43] froggyfan51789: are you sure?
[17:08:09] Scott: most of me is here
[17:08:24] froggyfan51789: where's the other part?
[17:08:52] Scott: not sure exactly
[17:09:01] froggyfan51789: =(
[17:10:19] froggyfan51789: I don't know what to do to make you happy Scott
[17:10:43] Scott: i dont know either.. it feels like i just been thru all this pain
[17:11:06] Scott: ur heart can only be broken so many times untill there is nothing left to break
[17:12:14] froggyfan51789: Boy do I know it
[17:13:47] froggyfan51789: You know, your not the only one who has gone through this or is going through this right now
[17:14:14] Scott: ok, how are you then?
[17:14:28] froggyfan51789: what?
[17:14:38] Scott: nvm
[17:14:44] froggyfan51789: how am I?
[17:14:46] Scott: thought something else
[17:14:53] Scott: -sigh-
[17:14:57] froggyfan51789: I'm pretty shitty come to think of it
[17:15:29] Scott: more things in common we have
[17:15:41] froggyfan51789: rlly
[17:16:00] froggyfan51789: how fascinating
[17:17:08] Scott: what do you want me to do?
[17:17:57] froggyfan51789: Let go
[17:18:04] Scott: no
[17:18:07] froggyfan51789: why?
[17:18:34] Scott: because and i cant, nor do i want to
[17:18:45] froggyfan51789: why cant you?
[17:19:01] Scott: cause i care for youu and want to be with u and miss you and love you and all sorts of other shit i cant even explain
[17:19:06] Scott: i just cant
[17:19:38] froggyfan51789: If you care/love/etc. then why can't you try to uderstand how I feel?
[17:20:30] Scott: because it dont want to see whats rly there
[17:20:44] froggyfan51789: that didnt make sense
[17:21:11] Scott: i dunno
[17:29:52] Scott: k
[17:29:59] froggyfan51789: k?
[17:29:59] *** Auto-response from Scott: ...to me, you're strange and you're beautiful.
[17:30:07] Scott: i asked u a question
[17:30:16] froggyfan51789: you did?
[17:30:22] froggyfan51789: what?
[17:30:29] froggyfan51789: you said i dunno
[17:30:35] Scott: Kerritharr10 (5:21:08 PM): i dunno
Kerritharr10 (5:21:50 PM): how do u truely feel kat?
[17:30:49] froggyfan51789: oo
[17:30:50] froggyfan51789: sorry
[17:30:53] froggyfan51789: I didnt get that
[17:31:01] Scott: k
[17:31:11] froggyfan51789: be more specific
[17:31:29] Scott: how do u truely feel about me now?
[17:32:13] froggyfan51789: hold. thinking.
[17:33:46] froggyfan51789: I'm going to try to do this in a nutshell, ok?
[17:34:16] Scott: i love you
[17:34:19] Scott: in a nutshell
[17:34:25] Scott: i have to go
[17:34:30] froggyfan51789: what
[17:34:34] froggyfan51789: are you serious?
[17:34:37] froggyfan51789: where are you going
[17:35:16] froggyfan51789: SCOTT JAMES
[17:35:20] Scott: well emotionally before i pass out... and physically to my dad for dinner
[17:35:28] froggyfan51789: are you
[17:35:33] froggyfan51789: fucking kidding me
[17:35:40] froggyfan51789: AEOIFHUA GUAERI89ARAWE R9AWE 98PAWE
[17:35:43] Scott: what?
[17:35:51] froggyfan51789: I cnat do this anymore
[17:36:07] froggyfan51789: Im so fucking fed up with going over this over and over and fucking over
[17:36:12] froggyfan51789: again
[17:36:12] froggyfan51789: and
[17:36:13] froggyfan51789: again
[17:36:15] froggyfan51789: and again
[17:36:16] Scott: then love me
[17:36:20] froggyfan51789: WHAT
[17:36:22] Scott: love me..
[17:36:27] froggyfan51789: you can FORCE someone to LOVE YOU
[17:36:56] froggyfan51789: and i dont understand why you LOVE me when you sure as hell know I dont love you back, hy love someone when they dont love you back?
[17:37:02] froggyfan51789: whats the fucking point
[17:37:04] froggyfan51789: oh wait
[17:37:07] froggyfan51789: THERE SINT ONE
[17:37:17] *** "Scott" signed off at Sun Mar 25 17:37:17 2007.
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